Tuesday, January 5, 2010

2012: The Clichés Alone Will Kill Us All

Today I watched the Adam Lambert Official Video for his single 'Time For Miracles'. I am now miserable. Don't get me wrong, though the song isn't my favourite, it is definitely tolerable and my love for Adam Lambert only makes it even more tolerable. He can barely do anything I can't forgive.

Unfortunately though, this video tests my ability to forgive him, simply because it made me relive those two and a half hours of wanting to stab my own eye with a fork I endured while watching the movie 2012. [For those of you who are a little slow, the video was merely a string of clips from the movie]

I have decided to begin this piece by defining the movie 2012. It is a series of mind-numbing doomsday cliches packed into a never ending series, flavoured with over-dramatization and bad acting. Nothing is impossible, especially if it's done in the 99999th nanosecond. You know why? It's because John Cusack is AWESOME! [apparently]

Anyway for those of you who haven't watched the movie, I'm going to spoil it for you. Also, I posted this so late only cause I didn't want all of you to yell at me for ruining it. [Actually I was just lazy]

The most effective way to express my anguish, in my opinion, is to list the highlights, i mean, lowlights of this godforsaken movie:

  1. John Cusack is the only bloke who has figured out that the World is going to end. He saves his family in a car which drives away from the family home with cracks following it constantly. Every single car behind them falls into the cracks. Everybody else dies.
  2. A giant volcano is erupting and the earth is giving way, sinking into the lava. John Cusack has gone to retrieve a map which will save them all. The rest of the family [ex-wife, kids, their step-dad] is waiting in an airplane which his ex-wife's current plastic surgeon husband can conveniently fly. The road is giving way, the massive cracks slowly approaching the plane. They need to take off. There seems to be no hope for Cusack. Sad. But wait! What's that?? At the FINAL second, Cusack's hand is seen gripping for safety just when everyone thought he was dead. He runs into the plane.
  3. Cusack running into the plane happens in such spectacular timing that the plane has just enough time to take off with the cracks ripping straight towards the wheels at a convenient speed. Just as the plane takes off, the whole area is done away with. Crash and burn, non-Cusack-people.
  4. The Indian scientist who predicted 2012 is in New Delhi, which is a village. He speaks English with a fake Indian accent and Hindi with a Western accent. It really wouldn't have killed them to bring in an Indian from India for the two odd minutes of screen time. Oh, and how can I forget? He had a convoluted name that most Indians themselves haven't heard of.
  5. Old, fat, stinking rich, arrogant Russian; with a Russian supermodel arm-candy and complete with fake Russian accent. One of the only individuals with a ticket to the "Arcs" which are going to save a few people. Cusack works for this fellow. And Mr.Plane-Flying-Plastic-Surgeon gave his little keep a boob-job! Convenient!
  6. Russian family, Cusack's family and super stud-like Russian Pilot manage to get on a giant plane taking them to China where the Arcs are. Two buildings collapse into each other, the plane just about scrapes through by tipping on its side a narrowly escaping the crash. Just because Cusack is in it.
  7. Russian tyrant turns out to be a fat meany who dumps them all in the middle of China where they find an awesome monk and his family who takes them to the Arcs. Blah blah, they sneak in.
  8. Nobody picked up the Indian scientist. He and his family die a tragic death along with several other Indians in brightly coloured clothes, clutching sacks of belongings and trekking across the village of New Delhi. There are no more Indians in the world. Because I saw none in the Arcs either.
  9. The President of the United States dies a heroic death [after a heart-wrenching goodbye to his daughter] saving some people who were about to die anyway; just outside the White House.
  10. Oh No! Doomsday Countdown! The waves rush in, the Arcs dislodge, but wait! Cusack hasn't been heroic enough. He might just get overshadowed by the President! His Arc has a problem! So our man goes on a suicide mission to fix the jam, swimming through a lot of water. He and his son save the Arc. I can understand how the son was underwater for a while. But Cusack was in there for centuries. He held his breath for a super-human fifteen minutes straight! That's what I call AWESOME!
  11. And finally, the happy ending. Cusack's ex-wife's new husband conveniently dies. They are reunited again. His kids love him. The Arc docks safely in Africa which survives it all. All the people in the Arc are either White or Chinese [because they decided to let the workers in due to some sudden stroke of humanity]. The Indians all perish but since Africa survived, maybe they can mix some Black people and White people and make some Brown people.
The only reason I didn't walk out of the theatre is because I hadn't finished my Cheese Popcorn which tastes too phenomenal to waste. Also, a whole bunch of my friends were watching with me and I needed a ride home. But if I had a choice, I'd take those 2 hours and 40 minutes of my life back, along with the Rs.120 I spent on my ticket.


  1. bwahahah... you got that right !

    loved the part about about mixing caucasians and blacks to create indians... Sounded like you were talking about crayons there !

  2. hahahaha...super... man i cant believe i sat through that movie...:)
    did u forget the part in the super market which a crack appears and exactly separates the ex wife and her plastic surgery husband... Aaaaaaaah!

  3. @ Weirdo guy: bahahaha Crayons
    @ Meena: I'm sure I missed tonnes of them!!! I've ridden myself of much angst and attempted to repress the bad memories before I wrote this post.

  4. It was astonishing to see the number of people who loved the movie! I had a discussion with a bunch of people and they believed that this was actually possible and all that! Its like a fairy tale! Yay everyone survives! What the hell.

    But I love the part where the Russian Girlfriend shows the rich guy the finger. Highly predictable, but goood. :)

    Oh and you must take note of how the scientist meets Cusack in YellowStone and has read his book. What are the odds! But possible in this movie.

  5. hahahaaa sharan! shit, i'm dying of laughter!

    it's really sad! cause normally john cusack is a brilliant actor. I loved the last part, mixing black and white people. hahahaa :D