Thursday, January 21, 2010

Televisional Atyachaar

My roommate watched Rakhi Sawant's entire Swayamvar. For those who don't really understand the concept, a 'Swayamwar' is what Indian Princesses did in the time of Kings. The young eligible Princes of the country assembled one fine day, and she picked her suitor out of the bunch. Rakhi Sawant, a B-Grade, Bollywood reject, decided that she was royal enough to pick her suitor out of a motley crew of random men who wanted some form of silver screen fame; even if it meant demeaning themselves, throwing themselves headfirst on to a scantily clad "It Girl", and voluntarily stripping themselves off any shred of dignity they might have possessed.

So as I caught bits and pieces of the show which stretched on for what seemed like an eternity, I began to wonder why the Indian junta would ever watch such a show. I then turned to the right and saw my roommate watching intently. She watched the episode and its re-run to make sure she didn't miss even a twitch of Rakhi's facial muscles which might be converted into a scandalous issue. I remember very clearly that three episodes were used up simply to emphasise that one of the candidates kissed Rakhi on the forehead, and that was a very scandalous thing to do. I'm sorry woman; maybe the man wouldn't have taken such "advantage" of you if you didn't parade around in your underclothes all the time!

Finally a surprisingly sensible seeming Canadian businessman got the 'girl'. I don't know why he did that to himself but at least it was over. I thought that was the end of that but WAIT! They're not done torturing me yet! People want more. They put Rakhi in a house with her fiance and gave them kids of various ages to take care of to test how good they'd be as parents. As usual, the devoted roomie sat with her eyes peeled for the episodes of "Pathi Pathni Aur Woh" [Which translates to "Husband, Wife and Them/That!]. A little bit of me died. The show got over and I revived it with tonnes of CPR in the form of watching Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, House, Boston Legal, Arrested Development, etc.

I breathed a sigh of relief when the show was over. But the torture continues in the form of "Emotional Atyachaar"; a show imitating the American one, 'Busted'. Let me explain this show with a hypothetical situation. Y is dating Z but seriously doubts her loyalty. Therefore, Y calls up the show to test her loyalty. The T.V. crew stalks Z for a few days, they put cameras wherever she goes and monitor her every move. More often than not, Z is cheating with a third party who we'll call M. Soon the creators of the show realised that too much was contingent on the existence of this M character. People are not calling the show to find out that their partners are loyal. People aren't watching to show to see happy and functional couples. Therefore, they decided to take matters into their own hands.

The people on the show plant another character in Z's life. Let's call them F [for Fraud]. Character F generally seduces Z and puts her in a compromising position with him. Poor Z almost voluntarily falls for F. The camera crew tapes all this and shows it to the audience, and the highly suspicious dipshit Y. Y's heart is broken and he feels used. Therefore, he angrily confronts Z on camera. Z is taken by surprise, there is a lot of crying, yelling, pushing, shoving, slapping, flailing of arms and similar activities of the sort. The public is happy. Why? Really, why?

So while I continue to get tortured by the television thanks to my roommate, the cable guy has cut off 'Star World' which now denies me access to American Idol. Life isn't fair and I refuse to "Strike a fair deal" with it because it's not really negotiating, biotch!

P.S.: Is it just me or does she have a slinky on her head in the picture?!


  1. If you don't watch reality TV you will never understand reality. Don't say anything bad about Rakhi Sawanth she is so great better than you itself how many item numbers have you danced in I bet you are just jealous because you don't have your own reality TV show called So Not Ranting.
    Long live Rakhi Sawant and Canadian Businessman. May their children appear on TV as early in life as possible. May we all become more voyeuristic and thereby better people.

  2. I really hope Kaushik was being sarcastic in his comment.

    Anyway, I watched a few episodes of her swayamvar too. I thought it was hilarious! See, the point of shows like Rakhi ka Swayamvar is to provide entertainment for us contemporary youth of today. [LOL]
    Did you know that she and Elesh Parujanwala [canadian businessman] broke up? And do you want to know why? Ill tell you! Something about premarital sex and how she is a quintessential Indian woman with traditional Indian values. what the hell.

    I must watch Busted. sounds fun!

  3. and there i was unhappy when my dad refused to buy the set top box.

    lucky lucky LUCKY me.

    P.S it DOES look like a slinky.. well i 'll be damned !

  4. so did your mum also love this sorry excuse for a reality show ??!!

  5. nono my mum isn't into this kind of crap. Only the big stars like shah rukh and stuff... She also follows gerard butler and such like

  6. @ Kaushik: I'm sorry Kaushik. I was adopting a very selfish view. I now see the word through slut-tinted glasses

    @Harish: WHY do you know this?

  7. dho dala!! =P
    you voiced all my frustrations!! good!

  8. Great post! Very funny style of writing :)
    I just happened to stumble upon your blog while browsing. And I totally agree with the picture and content of the post.

  9. Good God I almost never watched TV in the last few years..

    I just download English serials which I love from the Internet.