Please Don't Be One Of These

The Bangalore club scene is pretty good. Even thought there's a 11:30 curfew, if you know where to be, you're probably having a good time. Yes, I do hate Muthalik and the Ram Sena and I do hate the government telling me that I've been out late enough and now it's time to retire home to bed. But honestly, you get used to it after several months of complaining and whining. But that won't stop us from making a big "AAAAAAAAAAWHHH!"sound everytime the music stops. It also won't stop the people from Delhi or Bombay teling us that the clubs in their cities stay open till 4 or 5 in the morning and that they leave their house to party only at about 11 p.m.

Never mind the clubs themselves, what about the people in them? Sure there are several normal people who just come in, dance with their friends, have a good time and leave. But those people are boringto write about, though they are preferable at the actual venue. Let me classify the particularly annoying ones for you:

1. THE I'M TOO COOL TO DANCE

These men or women usually hang out alone or occasionally with one or [rarely] more of their kind. They stand along the walls of the room, drinking something and nodding their heads to the music. They occasionally scowl at those who are dancing but usually mind their own business, which is checking their phones, looking around, and concentrating very hard on their drink like it's very important. Why are they in a dance club? Beats me! Where are their friends? The D.J. ate them, probably. Hence, the scowl.

2. THE STOMPER

You've got to hate this breed of generally intoxicated, highly uncoordinated and totally unapologetic people. The stompers can be male or female. The male stompers are never the ones who wear nice soft sneakers, they wear those leather shoes with hard soles which hurt when they step on your foot. The female stompers are inevitably in 6 inch stillettos. Therefore, the pain you experience when it forcefully decends upon your foot is barely short of the pain you'd feel when your foot is being stabbed.

Stompers dance around without a care in the world. They step on several people's feet and the people who are around them are constantly concocting plots to get rid of them. You see, they're either too blissfully oblivious or too snooty to even apologise for the damage they're causing.

3. THE D.J. LOVERS / WALL DANCERS

D.J. lovers are the ones that yell and hoot all the time, pointing at the D.J. at his console and giving him a thumbs up or such like. They're loving everything being played, even if it's a cheap old bollywood hit from the 90s which most people have desperately erased from their memories.

Wall dancers on the other hand usually dance against the console. They put one hand on the wall and squirm around. Either they really like the D.J. or assume that this act makes them look very appealing. The D.J. doesn't usually care and I don't think they are appealing to too many people either.

4. THE P.D.A. BRIGADE

Some people need to be told to get a room! Especially the P.D.A. brigade. Okay it's sweet that people are comfortable being affectionate with their loved ones wherever they are but please, draw a line at how affectionate you want to be. We don't enjoy watching undescribable 'chee-chee' things when we're out supposedly having fun. Please do not scandalise us so, find a more private outlet for all those feelings. We would appreciate that.

5. THE "I'M SO REGULAR"

Every place has at least one of these. They walk in like they own the place, wink at the bouncers, pat the bartender on the shoulder and call him by name. Most of the time, the bouncers and other employees barely know the guy and look rather confused, but the "regular" is in the zone. He/she self assured, or at least that's what the swagger is supposed to indicate. It doesn't get cooler than that.

So please don't be one of the above and subject us to your hideous clubbing personalities. Show compassion for humanity and do not seek to invoke a look of disgust upon out faces. We would appreciate it very much if you do. Also, if you spill your drink on me, I will hunt you down, and kill you!